Teardrops and Musical Fragments

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A lurking shadow

Shadow of bygone time lurks inside my hand… it grows bit by bit, with each and every rhythm of the music, and then shrinks to the volume of a tiny missing piece of my heart. The pages of the open book before me become blurred out. I stare at the darkness with my lachrymose eyes.

It’s now ten years. I was standing in front of Ayush. He was shouting at me for going away abroad without even informing him. We are in the same office cafeteria. With the same glasses of cold coffee. I was trying to explain how the decision was taken and that my father would never accept him as his son-in-law. .. We both shouted at each other and everyone in the café gathered around us to get themselves entertained with our tears and sorrows. Ayush was adamant and he wouldn’t try to understand my helplessness. I forgot the whole world gathered around us and I slapped him. Time stopped for a moment. I slapped him. The love of my life. I slapped him before the entire office. And he cried… knelt down before me.. helpless.. ! … And I left…

After that I kept painting the road of my life with golden and silver colors, to make it look authentic. The road was ravishing and I set off for the journey towards a promising destination! Life shone like a diamond. And it was at that moment I stumbled upon the deep chasm of life. Barely you can leave behind your past. Uh..oh!

The vibration disrupted the music. It’s Mom. I became pretty sure that it was winter approaching as she mentioned about Diwali preparations several time during the ten minutes call. She was asking me to come home once. It’s ironical that she calls me home now. I knew it was only her idea to send me abroad alone. It was only her who convinced my father to send me here to live all alone. She never liked Ayush.  Even after so many years of our breakup, I couldn’t find out the reason behind this disliking…

Ayush was a dream alive for me. He made music.  Only for me, as he said. Music was his love of life and I was his everything in his world.

I forget myself and the whole world when I hear the songs composed by Ayush. To be honest, I only listen to the recordings he made for me. Even today, his songs are my first preference.

I used to receive his recordings even after two years I moved here. I don’t know from whom, or from where he got my address. He never called me after that incident in the office.  Neither I felt any urge to contact him. I never wanted him to get hurt again because of me. But some strings in my heart were always connected with him.

~Strings of Life~

Fall of 2010. He got married as I heard from my Mom. A string was broken. And I was bleeding. I couldn’t listen to his recorded voice on my phone. I panicked. I cried blood. Only then I realized how much I loved and waited for him all these years. I never stopped expecting. He used to came in my dream every night and woke me up. We go to church and get married. I smile and smile and the dream disappears all of a sudden. Somewhere inside me, a string was vibrating making a gossamer symphony– the symphony of my innermost expectations, which was stopped in the blink of the eye.

I didn’t sleep for four nights. Guarding myself against dreaming anymore. I shouldn’t have slapped him. My Ayush, my own Ayush! I picked up my phone for the first time after so many years to hear that drifting music. To ask for forgiveness.

~Fragmented Notes on the Guitar~

All the strings of the guitar broke with a huge distorted sound. Ayush’s favorite guitar was sinking into the depth of the ocean before my eyes. I couldn’t save the remains of Ayush’s dream. It all sank.

Forever.

The song says everything.. the lyrics hid all the secrets… it was all fragmented. Mom lied to me. He never got married. He never forgot me. He couldn’t live without me..

©ananyagoswami

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